Ever since we got married, my wife and I have had our 30-year plan: work hard, give our children the best lives we can, save money, retire, move abroad and drink cocktails on the beach.
Over the decades, we’re lucky that everything has gone to plan. We’ve had great careers, kept good health, stayed in love, helped both kids get on the property ladder, earned well and built ourselves a decent nest egg. As I near 65, I am done with work, office politics, meetings and Zoom. I’m ready for my cocktail.
The only problem is my wife – who is about eight years younger than me – still has ambition, and doesn’t show any signs of slowing down.
A decade ago, we discussed that when I turned 65 we would both retire. We definitely have the savings and investment portfolio to do so. But every time I bring it up my wife shuts it down saying she has “more to do” and the other day joked she could do another 10 years. We had a huge argument as a result. I don’t know if I have another 10 years left in me – of life, let alone work! My own dad died at 67. Life is too bloody short and now I don’t know what to do.
David, 64
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You’re in a wonderful position in life. You’ve had lucrative careers, kept good health, helped your kids and built yourself a nest egg. None of which are easy feats. But now you’re at a fork in the road.
This is a potential huge change in your lives, and I feel for you, because suddenly the plans that you’ve been working towards for three decades are up in the air. Where does that leave you – and everything that you’ve built? Where does this leave your dreams, your fantasies, your marriage, and everything that you’ve believed and been attached to for so long?
I wonder whether you feel betrayed by your wife because she is renegotiating your agreement? It’s very clear that while you’re winding down, your wife is not. Whether it’s because she feels like she has a surplus of energy, loves what she does or maybe she doesn’t feel financially secure enough yet.
But now, rather than facing this together you’ve both dug your heels in. So take a break to let things settle, and then get back on the same side. Start by listening to her. She is clearly engaged with her life and not ready to follow you, at least not yet, not full-time.
I know it might sound obvious to state, but outside of your joint 30-year plan, your wife will have her own goals, desires, fears and worries. She is allowed to change her mind, or alter course. So I wonder what a renegotiation might look like, rather than all or nothing.
I hear you being done with office politics, meetings and Zoom. I wonder whether you need to talk to someone about ending this chapter, whether with a professional counsellor or a therapist, in a men’s group, with your friends, maybe with your wife (maybe not).
In the background of what you’ve said, I hear that your dad passed away at 67 and you’re now 64. I have worked with so many men whose fathers died in their forties, fifties, sixties, and unconsciously, all these men generally expect to die at the same age. It’s a really powerful fear and only natural that we might equate our parent’s mortality with our own. I wonder whether you feel a subconscious urgency to wind down and enjoy what you think are your final years?
I don’t feel like this is the case, by the way – I feel you will have a lot of time in this chapter.
Realistically, people don’t die as young as they used to these days with advances in medicine and health and wellbeing. Many of the men I know have found themselves with a second wind after passing the age. If you’re genuinely feeling anxious about it, go see a doctor and get a thorough health check-up. You may find it helps with some of the panic and urgency. Again, talk this through with a professional or in a men’s group. My groups are held online every day, so come talk it through with us.
With your wife being eight years younger, I wonder whether your peers and hers are doing similar, or different things. What about your health and her health? What the differences are between the two of you? It’s natural that we fluctuate, especially if we’re of different ages.
Have you asked your wife where her ambition is at? She might be pleased that you’re genuinely curious. It may be that she was only joking about “doing another 10 years”, but she does have one project she needs to complete, one promotion or pay-rise she wants to prove she can get, a difference to make before she feels ready to move on. I would hate for her to retire before she’s ready, and then resent you, or feel frustrated with herself during retirement.
Why does your wife have to go at exactly the same time as you? How would you feel going off on your own first, or going off with your friends, or doing shorter holidays together until she’s ready? It might be time for you to get to know yourself beyond your relationship and have your own adventures. Then when your wife is ready, you can bring her along and show her where you’ve been, who you’ve met, what you’ve done.
Do you both come from similar backgrounds of financial and emotional stability? You mention that you have the savings to retire, but is your wife as aware of the finances as you are? If you haven’t already, ask her about her fears. The same number in a bank account can look stable or precarious to different people depending on what they have been through. It’s important to be sensitive to her perspective.
Perhaps your wife has fears of who she might be without work. Or fears around who she might be without being a needed mother tending to the children. If her personality likes to be engaged and involved, she might fear rusting on the shelf or in a waiting room in retirement. Rather than jumping in with both feet, can you move into the next era step by step, and help her make a gentle, gradual transition? Does she have communities outside of work?
The strongest thing that I feel in your words is the love that you have for each other. But true love is unconditional, which means setting each other free to be healthy and happy, and having the space to explore your needs and desires without restriction. Good luck and good on you getting to where you are in your lives and marriage, with space and freedom to consciously grow.