My wife keeps demanding sex from me and I feel like I have to perform.
She’ll sometimes dress up or spend the evening flirting before making a suggestion that we have an “early night”. I don’t know why I find her advances a turn-off: I feel a lot of pressure, and sex under pressure isn’t fun or a celebration of how close we are.
A few times I’ve told her I’m too tired and then she turns on me, saying that she doesn’t feel close to me, or fearing that I don’t fancy her and asking for reassurance. I noticed this changed after she became peri-menopausal (I’m 51, she’s 48).
I feel so out of sync with the rest of the world: most of my friends complain about their partners’ lack of interest in sex. Once I tried to broach my problem with a friend and they told me my wife’s behaviour was a dream and that they wished their partner would do the same.
Should I be able to perform to order, or is this too much to ask? I love her and miss the true intimacy and fun that we used to have before the pressure ramped up to perform.
Mike R, Manchester
***
If I distill your note down, it seems that on one level you’re asking: is pressurising someone into having sex OK? Let’s pause with that. If a female friend was feeling pressured to have sex by a male partner, would you consider this OK? I suspect you’d have no hesitation in understanding that it’s very unhealthy in a relationship, and isn’t going to lead to the relaxed intimacy that is a prerequisite for great sex.
So, of course, demanding you to perform is too much to ask, and I’m not surprised that you miss the genuine closeness that comes from two people wanting to connect.
The fact that you’re questioning yourself over this reveals the double standards in society with which we all live – and the myth that men’s sex drives are insatiable so meeting a woman with a high sex drive is, as your friend says, “the dream”. In reality, our sex drives are as individual as we all are.
Many men experience a dropping sex drive as they head into mid-life; meanwhile, some women experience an increased sex drive through perimenopause as their hormones rise and fall unpredictably.
Underneath this black-and-white question of whether pressurised sex is healthy is a far more interesting one: why is your wife pressurising you into sex when this hasn’t happened historically in your relationship? Have you asked her? Has her sex drive increased? Is she feeling more insecure than she used to? How does she feel about ageing? Sometimes the most confident women with the most secure of relationships start to question whether their partner will accept them as they age.
This, again, is more of a societal problem than an individual one: if society as a whole didn’t place so much importance on youth and treat maturity as invisibility, we’d probably all feel more confident in becoming “elders” in society.
I think it’s important for you to consider your own reactions to your wife suggesting sex, too. If you look back at the heyday of your sex life, was it you who tended to instigate? Is there a possibility that she is trying to show you how much she wants you and be more assertive and you interpret this as pressure? Do you prefer to be the one who is in control? Have you noticed changes in your sex drive? How do you feel about your body at 51?
I recommend that you have an open chat with your wife, at a relaxed time, about sex. If you do this during a walk, or out at a cafe, rather than in the bedroom, it will hopefully remove some of the pressure that you might feel surrounding the subject. I’d suggest taking the time to first reassure her how much you love her and are attracted to her, before exploring together what a “good sex life” would look like to you both. The more honest you are about any vulnerabilities, the easier it will be for her to respond in kind.
I wonder if, at the root of this, you are in fact both missing the intimacy that you previously shared? I suggest explaining to your wife that her way of trying to achieve it is actually distancing the two of you, and how her advances might be well intended but that you feel under pressure. She might have no idea that this is how you feel and simply feel a sense of rejection.
I recommend giving her suggestions of alternatives that don’t feel pressurised for you. If you’d like more hugs or hand holding, kissing rather than full-blown sex, spending time together chatting or walking, then be honest about it. The more open you both are, the more this pressure you feel to perform will dissipate leaving room for genuine connection and more fun.